No Time Like the Present
by spacer-42
Summary: You know something weird is going on when a device from the past appears to predict the future. Based partially on a fanfiction cliché, and partially on a scene from the movie Spaceballs. One-shot, no pairings.


Author's Note: All right, I know it's been ages since I've updated anything, but school has been terribly busy. I'm finally done, though. Here's a one-shot I wrote to try and get back 'in the game', so to speak. (I'll get back to updating in two weeks, when I have things sorted out.)

I originally posted this to tumblr (spacered-out) at a time when wasn't operational, but now I'm cross-posting it here.

Summary: You know something weird is going on when a device from the past appears to predict the future. Based partially on a fanfiction cliché, and partially on a scene from the movie Spaceballs. One-shot, no pairings.

Warnings: Terrible fake science, terrible fake computer science. Also, possibly terrible jokes, depending on your sense of humour.

* * *

No Time Like the Present

It was an ordinary day in Veldin—that is to say, uneventful. It was a slow day at the garage, so Ratchet sat on the couch watching holovision. Clank, meanwhile, had better things to do.

While searching for supplies, he had found a mysterious device; some sort of primitive computer. That was nothing strange, since old computers and their parts were readily available in any neighbourhood scrap heap. What was more surprising—and what had convinced Clank to keep it—was the content of the computer itself.

It was strange enough that the computer had the ability to connect to some sort of ancient holonet. Apart from the fact that this holonet hosted information on a civilization Clank had never heard of, there was something altogether more sinister going on.

For some reason, the people who had created this holonet had in-depth knowledge of his adventures with Ratchet. There were many stories expanding on their adventures as well. Some described events that had actually happened, while others were completely outlandish. But now, though he didn't quite know it yet, he had found the most unsettling story yet.

"Ratchet," Clank said, "I have found something that may be of interest to you."

Ratchet turned around, stretching one arm over the back of the couch to face Clank, who was sitting at the kitchen table.

"What is it?"

"Wait a moment," Clank said. "In order to see if I am right in being worried, I must not show you what I am looking at."

"What do you mean?" Ratchet said, now getting up and walking to see what Clank was looking at. "Did you find some weird pictures on the holonet again? I _told _you that there are a bunch of— _what._"

Ratchet extended an arm to scroll up, tapping the arrow keys gingerly as if the computer were about to explode.

The text on the screen was an accurate description of what had happened until the present moment.

"Okay," Ratchet said, as he scrolled through the text, "I have no idea what's messing with us right now, but if the Zoni are playing a prank, then it's _really_ not funny."

He scrolled back down to where he had left off reading, and frowned as he realized that the text on the screen matched what he had said exactly. Not willing to feel like he was reading from a script, he turned away from the screen as he addressed Clank again.

"Seriously, though, do you have any idea how this thing works, or why some backwater civilization knows exactly what we're doing _right now_?"

"Remarkable," Clank muttered, still staring at the screen. He turned away, since he also found it disconcerting to watch his own thoughts displayed as he thought them.

"It appears that this text contains a summary of the events that are occurring around the time of the present moment. This suggests, however, that we live in a deterministic universe, which disagrees with the latest research in quantum mechanics. Is this merely an approximation of the future based on meticulously computed quantum probabilities? Yet it seems that a civilization so technically primitive would not have the ability to formulate such a model, let alone compute its parameters."

Ratchet, had tuned out Clank's musing in favour of scrolling down to catch a glimpse of the future.

"Hey," the Lombax said. "It says that Qwark's gonna show up."

"Yet he has not arrived. I see your point, Ratchet. Not only does this text summarize our actions as soon as they have taken place, but it also appears to predict the future. Yet such a prediction is heavily dependent upon initial conditions. Hence, it is fair for me to postulate that as we drift temporally from the moment described by the beginning of this text, its description of our timeline will become increasingly inaccurate."

"I got about half of what you said there, but it's seemed accurate so far."

Clank chuckled, seeing what Ratchet was doing.

"It is hardly going to inaccurately predict what you are going to say if you read what you are 'supposed' to say directly from the page."

"I guess. But it's not so much that. Saying that _felt_, right. I mean, I couldn't think of anything else to say. It's like it's planting the words in my head."

"Perhaps we could try saying something other than what is written in the text," Clank said.

"Okay, uh… how about—"

Ratchet turned away, realizing that he was unable to say a word.

"I can only say what I want when I'm not looking at it, and then when I look at it, everything I've said is there."

He looked back at the page, taking care only to read the line that he had just finished saying.

"Like that, see?"

Ratchet scrolled down.

"Seriously, this is getting creepy. It's like déjà vu, but ten times worse."

Clank looked contemplative. "Déjà vu, you say? I believe I may have another explanation, then."

"Go on."

"Perhaps this text is constantly changing, but for some reason we are unable to recall what the text stated before the events transpired. It may represent a possible state of the future, and then alter itself with the passage of time, while somehow influencing our memories as well, so that we always believe that the text is unchanged."

Ratchet looked doubtful. "I dunno, Clank. Having our memory randomly change all the time sounds a bit too 'science-fiction.'"

"It is the only explanation I can think of that allows for a non-deterministic universe. Suggesting otherwise would suggest that several centuries' worth of scientific research is completely wrong."

"Well, that happens sometimes. After all, one day, the studies tell you to eat a lot of something, and then later they tell you it causes cancer."

Clank frowned.

"You are exaggerating, and besides, you are referring to popular medical studies, and not fundamental theorems of physics. Perhaps if you had paid more attention in school—"

"Hey! The last thing I need—"

Before the discussion could get any further, it was interrupted by the sudden entrance of a less-than-welcome, but nevertheless foreshadowed, individual.

"Greetings, citizens!"

Ratchet groaned. "…is to have Qwark show up right now."

Qwark was as tactful as usual. That is to say, not tactful at all.

"What's happening," he asked, "and does it involve my ongoing fight for the greater good?"

"Everything is fine, as usual," Clank said, casually closing the ancient computer. It would not do to have Qwark muck about with old and potentially dangerous technology.

"What brings you here, anyway?" Ratchet asked, eyeing the hero suspiciously.

"You mean, a hero can't just show up to visit two of his favourite sidekicks for no good reason?"

Both Ratchet and Clank glared at him. Qwark never showed up just to chat.

"All right, all right," Qwark said, raising his hands. "I was just having a long day at work—you know how it is, being the president—and people are talking about space pirate invasions and other such stuff. Phew, I'm getting tired just thinking about it. Mind if I grab some water?"

He helped himself to a glass from the sink before Ratchet and Clank could say anything, talking all the while.

"So, my secretary brings me some forms and apparently the pirates are back in full swing, demanding raises for their radio funding and stuff, so I figured maybe you'd help out a friend, since you knew the pirates and led them once or something…"

Ratchet ran a hand down his face, exasperated. "We've talked about this, Qwark. Clank and I are retired. We'll fix a ship for free if it comes to that, but we aren't leaving anytime soon. Besides, you've dealt with the pirates before, remember?"

Qwark put his half-filled cup down on the counter, so that he could gesture more easily as he spoke.

"But they're making demands, and I don't know if the planetary defence centres will hold up if they try to take over, but I _really_ don't want to give them the money because I'm _kind of_ over-budget right now, so—"

A particularly swift gesture from Qwark knocked over the half-filled glass. The water spilled all over the counter… and onto the computer.

"_Ooh, _I'm sorry about that, and that was something important, wasn't it."

The computer began to spark as its internal components short-circuited. A louder spark made Qwark jump.

"Wowzers! That's, uh… some dangerous stuff you've got lying around there."

"_Thanks,_ Qwark," Ratchet said, sarcastically. "Now you've broken the computer. Do you think you can fix it, Clank?"

"My scanners show that irreversible damage has been done to the internal components. Had the computer been switched off, it may have stood a chance. As is, I am afraid that the damage is irreperable."

Qwark spoke up from the door, towards which he had been steadily backing.

"Gee… uh, was there anything important on there? Surely you can't just get a new one or use backups or something."

"This was an obsolete model with rather unusual properties. I doubt another of its kind exists."

"Oh, okay. Well, uh, let me know if you find another one! I _just_ got a call from the office and I've got an important meeting that'll last for the next… week. See you later!"

With that, he was gone.

The entire sequence of events left Clank in a bad mood.

"I have never observed a similar phenomenon. That computer was unique. Our current model of physics may be seriously flawed, but I have lost all evidence which would suggest that possibility."

Ratchet stretched out on the couch, flipping through the HV channels.

"What's the use? They probably wouldn't believe you anyway. As far as I remember, that story only described stuff in our lives, anyway. I don't know much about science, but I don't think they'd take that as proof."

"Nevertheless, the fact remains that there are things we do not know, and our scientific models may have major flaws."

"Isn't that kinda… the point of science? To keep coming up with better theories? I dunno. I mean, we've warped through space and travelled through time—not to mention multiple dimensions—and we're still alive, so I think we know enough to get by. And if there's something we don't know, then I guess one day people will realize it and think of some better ideas."

Clank pondered this for a moment. Ratchet was right. Perhaps he had not forgotten what he had learned in school, after all.

At any rate, it was useless to worry. The computer would hardly have served as valuable evidence that their model needed revision, since all the proof it could offer was anecdotal.

The robot sat down on the couch beside his friend, and resigned himself to another evening spent watching holovision.

_(A long, long time in the future, in a lab far, far away, two scientists pored over their results. If they were right, which seemed increasingly likely, then there was a major flaw in the physics of the past ten millennia._

_"Why didn't anyone realize this earlier?" one said. "There's a glaring flaw in Borglin's Probabilistic Possible Future Mechanism that is instantly resolved if one considers a system that evolves deterministically. And it agrees fully with experimental results, fitting all the given data to within not three, but two standard deviations."_

_"Golly," the other replied. "Cross-references show that it agrees with every peer-reviewed experiment on file. This answers pretty much every question we've had in spatio-temporal dynamics. Ever. Science will never be the same!"_

_"It's completely trivial, in hindsight. I only wonder how we're the first ones to notice this discrepancy…")_


End file.
